StraitJackets Only
by LolliliciousLolly
Summary: A lollilicious collection of insanely terrifying situations in which the Mediator Characters have been thrown into. Read only if you are two French Fries short of a Happy Meal.


**Here's a series of insane skits that I'm throwing the Mediator Characters into. My entries from the Things The Mediator Characters Would Never Say thread, off MCBC.**

**Enjoy.**

**I know I did.**

…**I'm also _really_ scared of me.**

* * *

Suze: Okay, we're going to play Truth or Dare.

Jesse: All right...

Suze: I told you how to play yesterday. You ready?

Jesse: (brave look)) I'm ready, Susannah.

Suze::pulls out card:: Okay, truth or dare, Jesse?

Jesse: D- ...dar... d-d-d...DA-- I just can't DO IT, querida! Truth!

Suze: (reads card and giggles) I don't think this applies to you, but... "When did you lose your virginity?"

Jesse: (defensive) Why wouldn't that apply to me?

Suze: (stops giggling) Oh, I didn't mean - you know, you're just so...the tight pants and all, it's a tad...um...sorry, it just screams 'Deflower Me.'

Jesse: I'll have you know that my fifty-three-year-old babysitter Gretchen was VERY impressed with my bedcrobatics, Susannah!

Suze: ...

Jesse: (cough)

Suze: (shifts)

Jesse: ...I dare you to forget that conversation ever happened.

* * *

(CeeCee and Suze are talking about their times of the month, when Paul and Adam walk in -- so they have to start talking in code.)

CeeCee: Sooo...yeah, as I was saying, my, uh, Auntie Flo can be a real witch sometimes. She shows up unexpectedly, steals my bathers so I can't swim, and then kicks me in my lower back!

Suze: And I hate it when you think she's gone, and you clear out her...bed... and then BAM, she's all, "HELLO."

CeeCee: I know! I hate her.

Suze: I hate her too.

(Adam and Paul look on, confused)

Adam: I thought your aunt's name was Pru, not Flo.

CeeCee: Shut up Adam.

Suze: I'm just happy my auntie's leaving today. She's just left some muddy footprints on the doorstep...

CeeCee: ...

Adam: ...

Paul: ...

CeeCee: You just crossed the line Suze. No, you went over to the line, spat on it and MENSTRUATED on it. (leaves in disgust)

Suze: Wait! (runs after her)

(Paul and Adam blink)

Paul: ...o.O

Adam: ...o.O

Paul: ...Oh holy GOD, _THAT'S_ what they were talking about?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

* * *

Jesse: (bursts into rectory) **_FAAAAAAAAART!!!!!!_** Hehehehehhehehhehehehe!!!! (runs out, giggling madly)

* * *

Brad: I've got a hankering for apple juice! Da na na na, da na na na, BATMAN...APPLE JUICE...

(marches to fridge, and starts skulling.)

Andy: (walks in) ...Brad? What are you doing with my urine sample?

Brad: ...?!

* * *

Jesse: (seductive) Save a horse, have intercourse with a cowboy...

Suze: (groan) Jesse... You're saying it _wrong._

Jesse: (really long, noisy, bubbly, stinky fart)

Suze: ...What the HELL was that?

Jesse: (bored look) Spike did it.

Spike: (INDIGNANT)

* * *

Jesse: _STOP BLOWIN' HOLES IN MY SHIP!_

Suze: Oh, I love it when you talk dirty to me Jesse.

Jesse: Um, I was, um, quoting.

* * *

(Paul and Jesse are both sitting in a bar)

Paul: Ya know, Jesse... (grabs his glass of beer and sloshes some onto the bar, drunklenly) a tall glass of beer is so much better than a woman...

Jesse: (takes a long gulp) Why is that, Paul?

Paul: (eyes his glass intently) Well...you can enjoy a beer all month long...

Jesse: (in agreement) Hmm...

Paul: And – (burps) your beer won't get jealous if you drink another beer... and you can drink more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty...

Jesse: Yeah - and when you're finished with the beer...the bottle's still worth something!

Paul: Hah! Good one, buddy...good one...

Jesse: You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

Paul: And...beer's always wet -

Jesse: I've never been this drunk, Paul...ever -

Paul: Me neither, my friend!

Jesse: Paul...if I were gay, we'd swim in romance. You know that, right?

Paul: Of course I do!

Jesse: But I'm not gay. So get your hand out of my pants.

Paul: (blink)

(sees hand)

Paul: OH! ...Oh, how embarrassing...

Jesse: Um. Your hand is still there.

Paul: It certainly is, baby...

* * *

Paul: Suze, if your name was abortion, I'd be against you...

Suze: Oh God. Only you could manage to be lame, sexually-harassing, extremely gross and controversial in the space of ten words.

Paul: I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!

* * *

(Paul wolf-whistles Sister Ernestine)

Paul: Yo, Ernie...babe. What's under that charming little dress of yours?

Sister: Cobwebs, Slater. Cobwebs.

Paul: TMI…

* * *

Me: Paul, would you mind testing my cake? It's for the Cake Making Competition, and I really want to knock that ol' Kelly Prescott out of the running this year. I'm hoping this innovative idea will really -

Paul: Yeah, yeah, I'll test it. Cake me up, babe.

(tastes)

(chews...)

(smiles, and nods)

Paul: Not bad, sugar. What's in it?

Me: (glowing) Well this time, I used your urine instead of my own. I think it makes all the difference, don't you?

Paul: ...(green)

* * *

LOVE- LETTERS TO PAUL:

Paul

My heart leaks when

You do not stand

Beside me

Like wilting roses

That have breathed

Their last

Breath.

Halitosis breath.

OH!

The excruciating madness

The scything ecstasy

Of your absence!

I die...

Without you

I cry...

Without you

I sigh...

Without you.

I eat pie...

Without you.

Paul

So small

Big balls

You're my all.

My everything

We're meant to be

'Twas destined by the stars...

We'll live on mars

And "Be fruitful and multiply"

And breed a race

An amazing race

Of super-hot killer nerds...

You'll be the supplier

Of the hot genetics.

And I the nerd.

You are my bird.

I am of your feather.

We should...

Fuck together.

* * *

How to be annoying 101:

Annoy Spike: _Accidentally_ chop off his other ear.

Annoy Kelly: _Accidentally_ pour hair-removal cream into her shampoo.

Annoy Debbie: Threaten to break her fingers...then do.

Annoy Father Dom: Pee in the sacrificial wine when you can't find the bathroom.

Annoy Andy: Blow up the kitchen. Blame Dopey.

Annoy Jesse: Use the pages of _Critical Theory Since Plato_ as toilet paper.

Annoy Suze: Do Jesse.

Annoy Paul: Do Suze.

Annoy Jesse: Do Spike.

* * *

**Amen. Please review!**

**Love Lolly. **


End file.
